Stunned

Last night I went to see my niece play softball.  I ate out with most of my family.  I got home "late" and never checked my phone.  I got to school at 6:55 this morning, oblivious.  By 7:10 I was sick with sadness.  A student, one I have adored since the day I met him, had taken his life.  He was my student his entire freshmen year, half of his sophomore year, and he was taking AP Lang with me because I taught it and he knew that.  If he took AP, he'd get me.  I'd get to see his dimpled smile every other day in class and whenever else in the hall.  He knew I saw his potential and goodness. 

I have loved his sister in the same way I loved him.  I also had her as a student as a freshman and as a junior in AP.  She and I worked for hours on her college essay.  She graduates in two days, and her brother is gone.  As an English teacher, I become privy to some personal information and experiences of my students.  These two were no different.  I didn't know 1/25th of it, but I feel as though I knew them - know her - saw them - see her.  

He was my "Campbell Soup Kid".  That's what I called him.  Those dimples, that smile, the dark brown, almost black twinkling eyes that also earned him another nickname from me, "Little Imp".  He was mischevious and fun - so smart and insightful - and clearly so deeply sad.  I missed that part.  I knew part of his and his sister's story, but not even close to enough of it to have me watching him, checking in with him.  He had not been my student since late January.  I had no idea.  I have never experienced suicide, had no idea how many questions are left, how frustrated people are left feeling, how extreme and final a solution it is.

I remember so many meetings in the hall when he would yell my name, say hello, smile my way, remind me he was taking AP next year, tell me he missed me.  But now that I think of it, now that we are all thinking of him, I realize I have not seen him in the halls, have not had an exchange with him in months - not since wrestling season.  I haven't even knowingly passed him in the hall to lay eyes on him.  Where has he been?  Where have I been? 

He made me smile, made his classmates smile.  I wish I could tell him this one more time.  I wish I could make him feel cared about and respected one more time.  I wish I could value his thinking and insight one more time.  I don't know what I believe happens when we die, but I hope he can feel our love. 

I will miss you.